Identity Theft

So, last night I received a call from American Express verifiying that I had applied for a card. They were concerned that I listed a Tampa, FL address that does not match my credit report. I inform them that I don't live in Tampa and that I never applied for a card. They inform me that some jackass must have stolen my identity. GREAT! We go through the whole process and they cancel the application and report it as identity theft. They give me all the info to put an alert on my social security number and my credit report- although I'm not sure I'll do that, a friend did and said it was nearly impossible for her to legitimately apply for credit.

But, it got me thinking- if you want to be me, then you can't just take the good stuff, the money, you need to take it all. So, Mrs. Identity Theft (I'm assuming it's a woman because a man would have a hard time using my card) are you ready to step into my shoes? It would mean that you have to deal with a preteen daughter who, on a good day, considers you a witch, with a capital B. And a two year old who thinks mom's bed is a great place to be at 2 am and that a back massage given by feet and knees is a treat. Or the nine month old that decides 4am is a good time to wake up. Or, how about the house, dinner, the dog, all the bills. Yes, if you've got control of the money you better pay the bills too. And what about those crazy hormones. After four kids, everything is not right. Those mood swings are a bitch, are you sure you're ready for it.

Most importantly, if you want my name, then you've got to deal with what comes with it. That's right, the in laws. If I have to put up with them to have that name, then you sure as hell have to too. So, get ready for the crude jokes and the controlling phone calls. Expect those children to pick up so awful habits and expect to be the "family bitch" if you say anything about it. YOU deal with that stupid sister in law that considers herself a mother even though she's never cared for either of her girls. YOU deal with the weird brother in law that doesn't announce his marriage or divorce or child. Not to mention all the other crazies. Are you sure you've thought this out? Are you SURE you want to be me? Actually I think it's a fair trade. Sometimes I've wondered how much money it would take to make them go away.

So, if you're sure you want it, you've got it. I'll even mail you the card.