Saturday, May 12, 2007

Identity Theft

So, last night I received a call from American Express verifiying that I had applied for a card. They were concerned that I listed a Tampa, FL address that does not match my credit report. I inform them that I don't live in Tampa and that I never applied for a card. They inform me that some jackass must have stolen my identity. GREAT! We go through the whole process and they cancel the application and report it as identity theft. They give me all the info to put an alert on my social security number and my credit report- although I'm not sure I'll do that, a friend did and said it was nearly impossible for her to legitimately apply for credit.

But, it got me thinking- if you want to be me, then you can't just take the good stuff, the money, you need to take it all. So, Mrs. Identity Theft (I'm assuming it's a woman because a man would have a hard time using my card) are you ready to step into my shoes? It would mean that you have to deal with a preteen daughter who, on a good day, considers you a witch, with a capital B. And a two year old who thinks mom's bed is a great place to be at 2 am and that a back massage given by feet and knees is a treat. Or the nine month old that decides 4am is a good time to wake up. Or, how about the house, dinner, the dog, all the bills. Yes, if you've got control of the money you better pay the bills too. And what about those crazy hormones. After four kids, everything is not right. Those mood swings are a bitch, are you sure you're ready for it.

Most importantly, if you want my name, then you've got to deal with what comes with it. That's right, the in laws. If I have to put up with them to have that name, then you sure as hell have to too. So, get ready for the crude jokes and the controlling phone calls. Expect those children to pick up so awful habits and expect to be the "family bitch" if you say anything about it. YOU deal with that stupid sister in law that considers herself a mother even though she's never cared for either of her girls. YOU deal with the weird brother in law that doesn't announce his marriage or divorce or child. Not to mention all the other crazies. Are you sure you've thought this out? Are you SURE you want to be me? Actually I think it's a fair trade. Sometimes I've wondered how much money it would take to make them go away.

So, if you're sure you want it, you've got it. I'll even mail you the card.

11 comments:

Keara said...

Oh no! That sucks but your post is so funny! I can't wait to read your blog!

BTW, you have been tagged! :) Go read my blog!

Corey said...

WOW! I hope it ends there....no other surprises are coming. ugh...

oh and your post is funny! I suppose it is safe to say that you aren't sharing your Blog with your In-laws. tee hee

Ingrid said...

That sucks, Lori! Maybe you should monitor your credit report so you find out if new accounts are opened in your name.

I did like your post and the way you wrote with humor about the whole thing. Kudos.

Sara said...

I 2nd watching your credit report. You never know what the jerk will try next. I think you can actually set it up so you can't be preapproved for those credit cards (assuming that's how the theif did it) and you can only authorize credit checks for credit cards and loans and such. My parents did this recently. *hugs* I hope you have no further incidents!

Meghan said...

Dude... you crack me up!

But, it's a scary world we live in, isn't it? Gah.

Also, Happy Mother's Day, Dahling.

MommyOfTwo said...

How scary.
Oh, but you are so funny, Lori!
Hugs, I hope no more unwelcome surprises.

Kulia said...

*giggling* at the thought of this person gettingyour life!

Nichole said...

So.....Robert is the good kid?? :P You didn't have a gripe about him! We need to meet up, I think we'd get along famously!!!!

Megan said...

Lori, even though identity theft is SO not funny, this post cracks me UP! One time someone broke into my car and stole my purse, and I remember wanting to shout at him as he ran through the parking lot - "Have fun! The credit cards are all maxed anyway!"

Crazy world.

Amanda said...

Great post... sometimes you just have to laugh or you will cry!

Jules said...

Haha Lori, you made me crack up!

I am so sorry though. Make sure you keep an eye on your credit report though so the wench doesn't buy any new cars or anything in your name!