Saturday, July 21, 2007

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl!



Today is a hard day for me. My BABY is one! I cannot believe it. This year has flown by. It seems like just yesterday that I was in preterm labor and freaking out. I remember so clearly being in the hospital and thinking I would have a c-section because Miss J decided to stick her little foot in the birth canal. I was so scared, because she was coming early and because I didn't want surgery. I was relieved when the version worked. I was so disappointed that I didn't get a water birth at the birth center though. Knowing it was my last chance saddened me. I wish I had known about birth centers sooner. I may have had another chance.




Today I'm so conflicted. I am happy for my baby. And my head certainly understands that children grow up. And that we aren't having more children for time, money and space reasons.




But, my heart doesn't understand. My heart doesn't want any of my babies to grow up. Each year is one year closer to them leaving to go out on their own. This terrifies me. I pray that as adults we will still have a good relationship and they will live close. I remember how devastated my grandmother was when our family moved across the country. And she only got to see us twice a year. I pray that my children won't leave me like that! I guess I love knowing that they NEED me right now. One day they won't.




My heart also has a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I'll never be pregnant again. That I'll never experience labor and delivery again. Never have a brand new baby to hold and feed and love. (Or course I pray for grandchildren someday, but it's not the same.) I ache to have another newborn baby. Even if I had 10 children, I'd probably still feel this way. My mom says that she STILL feels the urge to have children sometimes. I guess it's one of those mommy things.




So, I am happy for my forever baby to be one. But, I am still sad that she will be my last baby. And that she has to grow up.

From sweet little preemie 5 lb 10 oz baby girl


To 19 lb one year old little monkey!

11 comments:

Laura said...

Oh Lori! I got all teary reading that! Lots of birthday hugs to beautiful Miss J on her big day, and some major ones for Mama as well!

Amanda said...

Oh, Lori! I have gone through the exact same feelings... Our hearts just don't understand...
I'd like to tell you that it gets easier, but I haven't gotten to that point yet....
Hugs to you!

Ingrid said...

Happy birthday to sweet Jocelyn and many hugs to you.

Corey~living and loving said...

Happy birthday pretty girl! :) So hard to believe it has been a year. WOW!

Jules said...

Happy birthday sweet baby! I totally understand what you are saying, it is so hard! :(

Hope her birthday is fantastic!

Mary Ann said...

Happy Birthday to little Miss Jocelyn! What a beautiful post. Hugs to you.

Megan@SortaCrunchy said...

Oh, yes. I can see how today would be so very bittersweet. You have such a heart for mothering and nurturing . . . I believe God will continue to put little ones in your life who may not be your physical children but who need a mama with a heart as big and full of love as yours.

Happy Birthday, Miss J! You are PRECIOUS!

Andrea said...

I can't believe she's a year already! WOW time flies!

Happy Birthday Jocelyn!!!

BOSSY said...

Bossy. Gets. It. TOTALLY.

Emily said...

LORI....how is it possible that our sweet baby girls are growing up??????? Why dont these months go by as slowly as the first few LOL!!! Happy birthday sweet J!

Mandy said...

Happy late birthday to Miss J and HUGS for you mama!