Today is a hard day for me. My BABY is one! I cannot believe it. This year has flown by. It seems like just yesterday that I was in preterm labor and freaking out. I remember so clearly being in the hospital and thinking I would have a c-section because Miss J decided to stick her little foot in the birth canal. I was so scared, because she was coming early and because I didn't want surgery. I was relieved when the version worked. I was so disappointed that I didn't get a water birth at the birth center though. Knowing it was my last chance saddened me. I wish I had known about birth centers sooner. I may have had another chance.
Today I'm so conflicted. I am happy for my baby. And my head certainly understands that children grow up. And that we aren't having more children for time, money and space reasons.
But, my heart doesn't understand. My heart doesn't want any of my babies to grow up. Each year is one year closer to them leaving to go out on their own. This terrifies me. I pray that as adults we will still have a good relationship and they will live close. I remember how devastated my grandmother was when our family moved across the country. And she only got to see us twice a year. I pray that my children won't leave me like that! I guess I love knowing that they NEED me right now. One day they won't.
My heart also has a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I'll never be pregnant again. That I'll never experience labor and delivery again. Never have a brand new baby to hold and feed and love. (Or course I pray for grandchildren someday, but it's not the same.) I ache to have another newborn baby. Even if I had 10 children, I'd probably still feel this way. My mom says that she STILL feels the urge to have children sometimes. I guess it's one of those mommy things.
So, I am happy for my forever baby to be one. But, I am still sad that she will be my last baby. And that she has to grow up.
From sweet little preemie 5 lb 10 oz baby girl
To 19 lb one year old little monkey!